Part I: Expelling the bad vibes

What do you do when your whole life comes to a standstill, and yet the world insists on going on? How do you react when you realize dreams are just that: dreams, not realities. No matter how much you want them to be—No matter how hard you try to turn them into reality—dreams don’t care about trivial things like expectations and hard work and sacrifice and family pride. Dreams will slip through your fingers anyway, and break your heart.

Besides, why do I deserve a spot at Brown over the thousands of other applicants who are more qualified and genuinely passionate about the university?

I no longer feel the drive to work hard in my classes or write more essay for college and scholarships. I no longer want to put so much effort and hope into a dream only to see it crash and burn right before my eyes. No, never again. No more sacrifice. No more pain. No more dreaming.

But now what? What am I going to do with myself if I don’t do that? If I don’t have hope or goals? Who am I under the study geek surface?

I don’t know. Am I a pathetic girl who has been jilted by her dream university? Maybe. If so, then wow. What an impressive persona I have been hiding under all that studiousness. Brown sure is going to be sorry they’re missing out on all of this.

I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. How sad is that? Even my own tear ducts are against me.


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