My tongue is dry, my heart is bitter. Stay away from my poisonous mind.

You were warned.
The title should have scared you off.
If you weren’t then you should be pleasantly surprised to know that I am not that threatening. I’m as threatening as a feral kitten in a world of worse creatures, terrorism, and American presidential candidates.
My pretty little metaphor was a distraction from the real problem, like most of everything I say. Pardon my bitter spirit. It is almost midnight and I cannot hold in my bad vibes as I have done for more than a year now.

I want to let go of some of my worries. I want someone to talk to when I am troubled. However, in the age of text messaging when you want here hear/see people, I find speaking to be a challenge. My tongue is dried from the inside out. My words are stuck in the base of my throat, struggling. I refrain from letting them all out at once, allowing a few to come out into the open air. The rest rots and seeps into my heart, making it swell with bitterness and resentment. Those feeling make their way into my mind with every heartbeat, like poison killing me slowly but effectively. Dramatic, yes. Hopefully, it illustrates my challenge with opening up about my troubles well enough.

As for my troubles: My obsessive-compulsive tendencies are affecting my ability to get work done. Fear of having my GPA plummet has got me in a constant state of panic. I need more sleep, because my constant fatigue is inhibiting my ability to complete assignments. I just want to have friends who I can call to talk about my problems, but I don’t want to disturb them. (This has always been an issue.) My need of money and experience outweighs my need for self-care because I was raised to be like that. I don’t want for people to tell me what to do, I just want ears from certain friends. There are some people who I can see myself having this relationship with. There are many who I do not have that kind of relationship with.

I don’t have a clear idea of what I’m trying to say. O what midnight musings do to me.

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2 comments

  1. Vincent Tang · March 23, 2016

    As generic as a response this is, I understand how you feel. Sometimes, you just want to find that reliable shoulder to cry on, someone to just listen to your problems, someone to just make the bad feelings go away. It’s lonely. No amount of :) emojis or LOLs or Facebook likes can feel the same as sitting down with someone and just talking. And even when those times do come, you can’t find the words to describe the chaos that is tearing your mind apart, leaving you with even more frustration.

    I know that all too well. Hey, if you ever need a shoulder like that, I got you. Because I think we both know how lonely it gets when we’re forced to bottle up these feelings without ever finding the words to let them out.

  2. nom · April 19, 2016

    i’m terrified after reading this. it sounds like i’ve written it and yet somebody else did. i don’t mean the experiences, not the sense of the whole text, just the vibe, there’s something so familiar it scares me. every time i’m trying to spit some thoughts on the notepad they sound something like this, excuse me but, are you me? that’s really weird i’m going to read some more (and btw. i got here so randomly i can’t even tell how and btw.2 in an hour i’ll know everything about you)

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